Loving Through a narcissistic relationship.
To me it is almost impossible to Love Through this type of relationship. It is the after math where love is needed to move through and forward. It is hard to find this love at first, because you are broken, every single piece of you is scattered all over the place. You feel alone, misunderstood, and honestly you can feel crazy. Crazy for how you allowed yourself to be in this abusive and traumatic relationship, but you aren’t crazy, you are brave.
A narcissist will destroy everything inside of you, they will make you doubt yourself over and over, till you finally just give up on yourself and go with what is said and told to you. You will live in fear and sadness. Fear that you will never feel alive and sadness for the person who has died inside of you. They take what they can, make you weak, make you worthless. They don’t care what age you are, what sex you are, they just want you to love them, to obey, to live their life in the way they want. You will give up your dreams, your desires, and your heart. You won’t even know it is happening till you are so far in and don’t see a way out, that is when you feel stuck, where you feel like you are dying, a million times over and over.
Loving yourself through the after is one of the most challenging things you will ever do in life, but it is also one of the most beautiful gifts you will ever give yourself. It is like a white canvas, fresh and new, where you begin to paint the colors of your own life. The toughest part is picking up the brush, because you haven’t been allowed to do anything on your own. But once you pick it up, that is the first step forward to painting your master piece. Then you need to decide what color to start with, this can take time, because you have to relearn to trust yourself again. This is a hard process, because you go back to a place where you were never right and were not allowed to make choices. But once you pick that first color, you will have a surge of confidence and picking the next one becomes easier. Your master piece can take time, sometimes a lifetime, but the whole point of this, is that you are moving and growing, learning who you are. What you like, what you don’t. What you want in life and what you do not. There are times when your brush strokes are not the way you want, but they are there for you to see your progress and where you need to keep working on something. The most important thing to remember is you are free. Free to grow, free to learn, free to love the way you know how, the way you want to be loved. Loving Through each stroke off your journey and knowing you are ok. You are worthy, you didn’t deserve anything that happened to you. Instead, it was a gift, a new canvas, a new life, where you are now the artist. Lean into that excitement, the wonder of life, and believe there are many different colors waiting for you to chose. XO- Rach