April 11th, 2012

I love this picture for many reasons, mostly because it is the last picture of me and my mom. It was taken on April 8th, 2012, 3 days before she passed away. Today, April 11th, is 12 years since she left this earth, and It is surreal when I stop to think about everything that has happened since that day and how I am completely different but also more of myself. I know that seems strange to say, but it is like tearing everything down and rebuilding. A lot has to go, but the newness that comes is like a rebirth.

I have to really sit and put myself in a space to think about all the life that has happened these last 12 years. As much as I know I have healed, I truly realize how much has happened, and then I understand in those moments of stillness what everyone else has seen me go through—all the loss and change and people wondering how I am able to be the way I am. But I think that is the point for me. I have chosen to see all that I have gained from the past. My beliefs have changed in ways that have strengthened my faith, which has allowed me to move forward in a loving way.

I consider these past 12 years some of the biggest blessings in my life. Yes, I had to lose so much, but it was all for a purpose I am just starting to realize now. My entire family is with me every day. The gifts I received from each of them have allowed me to keep moving forward. Changing my thoughts, beliefs, and the way I want to be each day has made all the difference in the world.

Death is whatever you want it to be. I have chosen to see it in a way that allows me to move forward with gratitude and love for what was, what is, and what will be. XO-Rach